Lolcats 20

My latest installment..the kids have been helping me pick out pics and with caption suggestions.

Explaining stuff

Some people call me a know it all. They think I have an answer for anything...well I do about most things except when people ask me why people behave a certain way..then I have to just wing it.

Daughter #1 "Dad why is that woman drinking coffee and putting on makeup while she's driving?"

Hammer: "I don't know honey, maybe she's just stupid."

Daughter#1: "How did she get stupid."

Hammer: " I dunno maybe her mom and dad were stupid too"

Daughter #1 "Dad, can people catch stupid like germs?"

Hammer: "No but if kids are raised by stupid people then they might grow up not knowing any better"

Daughter: " If I do something stupid does that mean I'm stupid too?'

Hammer: "Only if you do it over and over and never learn from the consequences"

Daughter: " You tell me when I do bad things ok because I don't want to be like that woman"

Hammer: " no problem it's a deal"

Daughter " Oh look that stupid woman got caught by the police mans..is she going to jail"

Hammer: " Yeah probably, it looks like she made the policeman spill his coffee"

A meme

Six quirky things
Tagged by Lonestar girl

I haven't done a meme in a while so I was happy to oblige on this one.

1. I'm good at making something from nothing or creating the things I need from household objects around me. Once when all my dad's appliances were stolen I used a waffle iron to make steak and potatoes.

2. I always have an urge to fix broken things rather than replace them. Sometimes I'll spend countless hours gluing a shattered dish back together instead of buying a new one.

3. My internal clock makes me a good cook. I can make each part of a meal so it all comes out hot and on time without thinking about it.

4. I have a recurring nightmare where I have several old cars and I end up parking them all over town then forgetting where I left them..when I finally remember they are always gone.

5. When someone pisses me off beyond my normal tolerance and doesn't immediately take steps to correct their behavior, I just walk away and never look back.

6. I often look back on parts of my life, cringe and say to myself..."What the fuck were you thinking?"

Examining the profanity.

I get quite a few comments about my creative use of profanity.

There was an episode of Spongebob on recently that called them "sentence enhancers" I kind of agree. Sprinkling these enhancers in the right places usually helps the reader know exactly how much disdain or emphasis you wish to communicate regarding a subject.

Example: The cashier at the store gave me incorrect change for my 20 dollar bill and refused to admit his error.

Enhanced: The syphilitic cunt face at the fucking store ripped me off for ten bucks and then that pole smoking cum gurgler had the audacity to deny it.

Example: Honey, do we have any of that personal ointment..my hemorrhoids are acting up again.

Enhanced: Gotdamnit! My corn hole feels like it's been sodomized with a barbed wire dildo..gimme that ass cream and a tampon before I fucking bleed to death!

The enhanced sentence seems to reveal more emotional details and gives the reader a more honest perspective on the situation.

My youth was spent less fist fighting with bullies and more trying to out insult them.
I started out innocent and pure and due to necessity I became a seasoned spewer of vile verbal filth.

It would go something like this...Setting 3rd grade playground

"Hey hammer your dad gives great blowjobs and he only charges a quarter a blow"

Me " At least I have a dad, your mom got pregnant during the third act at the donkey show"

Sometimes my insults would go too far and I would be sent to the school counselor and given a psychiatric evaluation. I either passed or was so screwed up they didn't know what to do with me.

Sometimes the 8 year old Hammer likes to take over during a blog post and sprinkle some sentence enhancers around.... and no I don't want to talk to any more fucking shrinks.

B.S piled even higher

I've been married 17 years and I've only paid half attention to the shit that litters her side of the sink. What the fuck are all those tubes and bottles for? It's like some fucked up chemistry lab over there. She has baskets and bags of these fancy ass frosted bottles piled four deep. Under the bathroom cabinet is even more of this bullshit..what in the hell is it for and why do women need all this shit for basic hygiene?

White tea skin guardian....liquid moisture...silk therapy..balancing cream...extra emollient face cream..cleansing gel...buffing cream...supercharged moisture cream..stress relieving vapor bath....and more...Are we doing skin care or running a fucking body shop? I use soap and shampoo... as long as it doesn't smell like strawberry douche cake.

What the fuck is up with all these febreeze and room sprays... if you have something stinky in your house fucking remove the offending item. Don't spray the dead cat with cinnamon burst room oxidizer...you are only compounding the problem. Air freshener is bullshit. I have an idea!Don't be a dirty bastard and maybe your house won't smell like a fucking bait shop dumpster.

Speaking of stink, what the hell is the deal with those worthless vent fans you find in most bathrooms? They don't suck the farts out of the room and they sure as hell don't remove any bad smells. I only turn the thing on when I need the fan noise to drown out the sound of my ass cheeks smashing back together after I launch some high explosive colon ordnance. Bathroom ass fans are pure bullshit.

My favorite month of the year is August...you know why? No fucking holidays. If the bank isn't closed, it isn't a real holiday. All these hallmark excuses to buy gifts and cards are bullshit, Mothers day..if you don't care enough to call mom or buy her something when it's not an obligatory gift day then one or the both of you is an asshole and you should call the whole thing off...

Secretaries day, grandparents day, earth day, St Cock Fluffers day... Isn't there just a fucking day where we don't celebrate anything? Tell you what folks...if you know someone who deserves some recognition just fucking give it to them and ignore the bullshit holiday. Conversely, don't give shit to people you hate just because some cock master on TV told you it was "ex wives day"

Saturday night

These guys are weird but always entertaining.

Weekend update.

Thanks for all your questions. I answered them here http://hammeroid.wordpress.com/

I'm watching my 4 year old nephew this weekend so I've got my hands full. Everyone have a good one!

Reminders

Drop me a line if you would like your blog added to my sidebar links.

Also, don't forget my advice blog Dear Hammer... Just send an Email to bohab@hotmail.com with your question and will post the answer at http://hammeroid.wordpress.com/

I also contribute to a blog called "Sensible folks" where we talk about helpful hints, money saving ideas and recipes all tested by our contributors.

Cheers!

Even more B.S.

In this continuing series I examine the copious amounts of bullshit in our society.

Home renovation shows. such as "Let's fuck up a perfectly good house" Here they pile the shit on thick. I think they purposely make a house look like a blind pimp's Cadillac just to get a reaction. These designers have about as much business decorating people's homes as Foster Brooks does sponsoring an AA meeting. Who the fuck plasters hay on a person's wall or takes the home owner's record collection and uses it to make a fireplace mantle? If I walked in and someone did that to my house. I'd be pulling some Texas Chainsaw shit and be wearin their asses for a hat.

Fast food. Pure bullshit! It's not fucking fast nor is it food. Sitting in a drive through for 45 min breathing car exhaust and rotten dumpster fumes is bullshit. I know those fuckers are scratching their asses and touching your food. I used to work in the industry... fast food is rat and roach infested filth. Make a fucking sandwitch you lazy sombitch. Over the course of a lifetime you will save yourself 50 grand and a painful bypass surgery.

Television preachers...holy lord these people are the biggest ass raping cock diddling con artists on the fucking planet. Do they ever do anything except beg for donations so the preacher can go snort cocaine off of naked Thai hookers? I saw one of these fuckers begging for money because Jesus wanted a skyscraper!!! What the fuck does Jesus want with a fucking skyscraper? Oh I know.. Jesus can stand on the roof and teach crooked televangelists to fly.

Hard on pill commericals..this is even more bullshit..Opening scene: These old geezers are about to get their freak on... then all of the sudden the grand kids ring the doorbell. Grandpa is just getting a boner with his Cialis. He had better get those little sombitches out of his house real quick like so he can lay some pipe on grandma before that shit wears off. Do I really want these mental images? And why the fuck are they showing these commericals in the middle of spongebob?

Musicians...these days I don't hear music..I hear some whiny ass punk crying into his microphone about his mommy being mean to him...boo fucking hoo. And what the hell is going on in those commercials for Christian music? Why are those lemmings crying and holding their hands in the air? Maybe I'm just a fucking heathen but it looks stupid as hell. NEWSFLASH! (C)rap isn't music. Anyone can steal a guitar riff from a real musician and then mumble about rims, big booty beotches and killin whitey. Modern music sucks a diseased moose cock.

B.S Part one

One of the problems with living in a first world nation where people live in relative comfort and luxury compared to 80% of the rest of the world who live in huts made of cow shit and sift through mine fields for scrap metal is the phenomenon called bullshit.

It can be argued that everything is bullshit except for the basic necessities of life, food water, air and shelter. I won't go that far, but it seems that we live in a society obsessed with bullshit.

Meaningless, unadulterated, 100% certified grade A unpasteurized bullshit.

Let me give you a few examples of our obsession with bullshit.

TV reality shows, "American Ahole", "Half naked drunk moron house", "Dancing like an intoxicated dickhead" "Washed up stars screwing for crack" etc... People are really into this shit and it's all they fucking talk about. GAH! STFU already! I have no desire to hear about who got kicked off fake titty island or who blew who on "My three dads".

Pet psychic, pet psychologist, gerbil whisperer. etc... this is another form of bullshit..errr dog shit. I don't give a flying rats ass about what is making fluffy depressed. Catbox..check...meow mix..check...thousand dollar couch to shred..check.. I'm not in the least bit concerned about the mental health of a fucking cat. Oh my dog is uncontrollable and he mauls small children..whatever shall I do? Oooh Oooh I know...fucking shoot it. Then spend the dog psychologist money on yourself shithead!

Cosmetic surgery... Unless you are getting shit fixed from an injury or birth defect....then leave it alone... People get old...they get saggy...they start smelling like cheese so get over it! Eye lifts, ass lifts, tit balloons, injecting bacteria, pumping lips full of shit out of a cows ass...some of these old assholes have had so many face lifts that they can use their dick for a necktie. Old is beautiful and if you don't think so then you can lick my old saggy nut sac.

Diets...Got to be the biggest most profitable load of bullshit I've ever seen. Ever eat Jenny Craig food? It's like eating a pile of dehydrated ass crackers. Shit on a shit shingle for only 90 bucks a week...no shit you are going to lose weight if that's all you're going to eat..Wait! I have an idea! Just make awful, terrible, disgusting food at home and you can save yourself a small fortune. Hell, you can sell it to stupid people and make a shitload of money.

Celebrities..oh fuck don't get me started on these assholes. It must take some uber fucking mental illness to make someone want to pay 11 million dollars for a picture of something Angelina Jolie squirted out of her beefy dew flaps. And riddle me this batman..Heath ledger took an Elvis cocktail and washed it down with a bottle of gin...and that makes him a fucking hero? He was a goddamn broke back ass hopper... not Jim Morrison for crissakes.

Shit I need to take my blood pressure pill.. I've only scratched the surface of the bullshit.

Even more random thoughts

What is it with people who can't laugh at themselves? Walking around with a chip on your shoulder 24/7 is way too much work. I don't get offended when people make fat jokes, Mexican jokes, Irish jokes, computer nerd jokes. I laugh at stereotypes. To me they are hilarious. You have to make a conscious choice to get upset at these things. If you get offended by a racial joke then you just might be one of the reasons that joke was thought up.


What the hell is up with sugared foods? Vegetables are not meant to taste like cotton candy.

Sweet potaotes are already sweet..hence the name... why is it necessary to add a pound of brown sugar and marshmallows? Blechhhh! I went to a character themed dinner in a colonial era restaurant at Disney world, they served sugared carrots, sugared baked beans, sugared yams and honey glazed string beans...it was enough to send someone into a diabetic coma. My nephew was forced to eat the carrots by minnie mouse and he puked all over her dress. It was fucking awesome!


Why do the latches on bathroom stalls never work. It's really hard to do pay a proper visit to the porcelian shrine with one foot holding the door closed. If there is toilet paper on the roll, it is invariably the John Wayne brand. It's rough and tough and don't take no shit off nobody.

I was at the gas station the other day for my bi-weekly fuel ration when I happened to look up.

The plexiglass box on top of the pumps that holds the credit card applications made me do a double take. Someone had cut a picture out of a magazine and placed it in front of the applications. The picture was of a woman taking it three different ways at once. Why does all the weird shit happen to me? I grabbed the pic, took it inside the store, (which happened to be full of people) put it on the counter and told them they needed to check the other pumps. Everything got quiet and eyes went wide... Not sure if that was the best way to handle it..